My Thoughts on Grief and the Journey Through Darkness.

Shelley Botterill

“The darkness does not destroy the light, it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”

-Brene Brown

I love this quote. It speaks to my heart as so often I find when someone gets the words right to describe a feeling I’ve had. My heart understood this message before I intellectually grasped its meaning. I read this quote in a book titled, “The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown”. After reading it I immediately wrote it down on a sticky note and put it on my kitchen cupboard - the one where I go for my coffee cup every morning and see first thing. I’ve been in the habit of doing this for years. Those who know me well and spend time in my home can attest to the half dozen or so sticky notes on my cupboards on any given day splayed out and includes quotes, random words of encouragement and gratitude, and some to do lists (sorry Cole, my dear husband, I’m not so sure how you feel about this practice).

This quote makes me think about myself and some of the clients I have worked with over the years who have suffered unimaginable losses. The darkness rolls in like a giant wave and overtakes us and pulls us into a dark void. These painful losses have the capacity to crack us open and, if we are lucky, lead us to a fork in the road where we have to choose which direction we want to go. We are presented with two paths: one where we surrender to the darkness and give up any sense of joy or hope, or the other path which, although still dark, has a faint sense that there will be some light somewhere along the way, perhaps as a glimmer coming through a small crack. The darkness of our loss defines that crack of light. That crack of light is the pulse of our humanity and the direction we need to go. Our fear of this darkness can suffocate us and steal any sense of peace or joy we may have in our hearts. Going into the darkness is frightening and requires the support and care of a friend or a trained helper with the skills to support us navigate through. When you’re in the darkness, sometimes all you need is someone to point to that crack of light in the distance. This can remind us we are heading somewhere and the only way through is to confront what’s currently in front of us. We know this in our hearts, though may need to be reminded by someone to make space for that possibility until you can see it for yourself.

Good helpers have been through darkness, acknowledged the grip it once had and now have the ability to go back without getting flooded, overwhelmed or lost by another's experience. Good helpers have also examined their own personal loss background and issues prior to helping another. This makes them available to help others make room for the darkness and hold space for so they can can start to move through it or even just imagine the possibility of going through it. Dr. Allan Wolfelt titles this helping style as Companioning. He developed this term to describe the process of working in bereavement care versus the treating mourners. This concept guides my work with clients. I feel honored to be able to do the work that I do. It is a gift for me to be able to walk alongside my clients and companion them through very difficult and dark times in their lives.

If you’re interested in reading more about the concept of companioning I highly recommend reading Dr. Wolfelt’s book titled “Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart”.